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Posts tagged ‘mental illness’

Creative Writing: Illness

Now as you might gather from the title, the creative writing that follows was difficult to write, harder to edit, and has been almost impossible to share. While I do on occasion write happier poetry, a lot of this writing was done, at least in draft form, while I was experiencing the worst parts of my illnesses. Which generally means I am not able to think of the positive nuances of being chronically sick. I promise to try to write more of that stuff soon as it’s not all bad I guess. Again,  I welcome critique but please especially with this, be gentle with the criticisms.

I will say that I was inspired to share this stuff because I finally watched the documentary ‘Unrest’ by Jennifer Brea. It’s heartbreaking, empowering…it might not be an exact match for my experience of ME but it’s an experience and seeing something so raw and true meant the world to me. So go and watch it, it’s on Netflix.

Filled

They say pain isn’t forever
Suffering comes and goes
But when hope fades and faith disappears
What else can fill me?

Symptomatic

Fog
It comes like treacle
Moving slowly, so slowly
Until suddenly
It’s swallowed everything
Fog
It devours
My memories, my speech
My own damn thoughts
My words
Fog
Closing in, growing thicker
It steals my understanding
Of how the world works
The very basics
I want coffee, but how do I do that?
How do I finish my sentence?
Was I even talking?
Fog
How can I find my way
When the shining guiding light
Is absorbed?
Fog
Chokes me
That goddamn fog

P.E.M

When it hits
And it will hit
It comes hard, it comes fast
The sheer weight
Drags you to the ground
Hooks and barbels
Pull
You should’ve expected it, should’ve planned
But fuck pacing
Push on
You can make it
The sofa is soft, cushions and blankets
Should make it better right?
That dead weight
Not just pulling now
But pushing
A collapsed ceiling, weighted down
It hurts, it aches, it kills

When it hits
And it will hit
It comes hard
It comes fast
Flare

(PEM stands for post-exertional malaise and is a driving characteristic of ME)

Chronic

Always there
I open my eyes and you’re there
My longest relationship
Never wavering
You won’t leave
Who am I without you?
These days I struggle
To even remember
My ever-present companion
I’ve tried to break up
But you always come back
I don’t fight hard enough?
Maybe
Maybe I’m tired of fighting
You’re there
Closer than my shadow
Growing larger
You strike my body
Inside to out
Inflicting
Chronic

Seesaw

I heard once
That bipolar is like a seesaw
Like in a children’s playground
I can see why they believe that
What goes up
Must come down
Hell, maybe I’d agree
If that seesaw
Went up to a burning star
And fell down
To the Underworld
Up. Down. Destruct.
Also
That seesaw?
Put it on a roundabout
That’s what they don’t tell you
It’s up, down, side to side
Loop the loop
Bipolar
It’s a whole damn fairground.

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Life, death and what happens in between

TW: suicide

Sorry I’ve been quiet again, things have been busy at work and my health has been topsy-turvy, to say the least. (This is only going to be a short post.)
Additionally…I suffered the loss of a close friend. I lost her to depression and suicide. I’ve cried, I’ve been angry. This is the second friend I’ve lost to it, with two tohers (that I know about) who tried and came close). But I’m trying to take things from her life, instead of focusing on her death. But it is difficult and it is something I have to make a conscious choice to do every day.

She was a roller derby player; she was relentlessly trying to improve at it too. She will inspire me to keep pushing, to know I can always get up when I fall down (and it’s roller derby, there’s a lot of falling). She was a crafty person, she enjoyed making her own jewellery and doing crochet. I have a hundred projects I’m either yet to start or yet to finish. I’ll think of her and it’ll remind me to use my creativity, make something beautiful. She found it difficult being around people sometimes, found it hard to make friends. I know what this is like. But she started roller derby to meet people, to make friends. She will be my reminder to step out of my comfort zone. She was blunt; you always knew exactly where you stood with her. Sometimes I need to remember to just say what I feel, to channel her backbone.

I could do a whole post on suicide, on mental illness. I will in the future I imagine, when it’s a little less raw. But let’s just say I have first-hand experience of an illness and can offer some insight on suicide, from a mentally ill person’s perspective.

Things have been difficult with this going on. But the people left behind after suicide have to keep pushing on, going forward. She couldn’t carry on into the future. So we keep the memory of our lost ones with us, so they can continue forward with us.

Next time I’ll be writing about working when chronically ill; it’ll be more cheerful than it sounds I promise!

Any ideas for future blog posts are welcomed, otherwise I’ll just keep making it up as I go along.

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