Dungeons & Dragons & Disability

So here I am still signed off from work. And over the course of this year I have truly struggled to find join in any of my old hobbies except for one, which has taken over and restarted my creativity: Dungeons and Dragons. First let me introduce myself: I am Helja, the dwarven cleric. I am Anakis, the tiefling Druid-warlock. I am Meredith, the human sorcerer.

For anyone who doesn’t know what it is, it is a Table Top Role-Playing Game (TTRPG) typically played with pencil, paper, dice (LOTS OF DICE), and imagination. One person in a group is the Dungeon Master (or Game Master), and they weave the story and the settings and battles, and play any number of characters that the Players will encounter and decide how to deal with. Players design a character that they role play as, making decisions as this character, not as themselves. The basics of this character are Race (Human, Dwarf, Elf, Halfling etc.) and Class (Rogue, Cleric, Fighter, Wizard etc.) but you then add to this by thinking up a backstory, a personality, and flaws with your DM. All this to hope that your characters get on or at least tolerate each other enough to work together to achieve larger goals – I’d say save people but there are evil characters and groups so it really depends! It’s not just a case of stabbing and burning everything you meet, you get to know characters of the world, try and use your charisma to maybe avoid violence…and yes sometimes kill the hell out of some things and loot their body and home. The more you do, the more you level up, the ‘stronger’ you get, the harder the adventures can become. It sounds trite but imagination really is the limit with the D&D. Well imagination and dice rolls. This is the basics but if you want to know more find your local tabletop game café and see if you can sit in on a game. Or drop me a comment and I will try and answer your questions.

Anyway, back to the topic. Being off work as long as I have, and recently being unable to volunteer, I’ve been going round the bend. I’ve been bored, depressed, lost, and almost incapable of seeing past the pain I’m in day to day. I don’t know when this happened, but at some point D&D became one of my main interests and coping mechanisms. I think it comes down to several aspects of the game.

1) Socialising: I know that once a week I am going to meet up with my friends over Skype and have fun not only role-playing and adventuring together but also catching up and chatting and just create together. This leads me nicely to…
2) Creativity: Being ill has led me to struggle with getting the mental energy to work on my creative writing and story plans, my hands have been so painful that I’ve struggled to hold my pencils at the right pressure. I have so many ideas that I want to complete (or even start) and it’s frustrating as all hell to have stuff swirling round your head that you can’t enact. Enter D&D. Obviously my friends and I don’t know what we’re all going to do, so our role playing is a form of fantasy-themed improv, which allows me to be creative in a sense. I have designed and made a dice tray including a dragon, a sword made of dice, and the D&D logo, when I’d been really struggling to come up with pyrography designs for my wooden boxes. Designing the backstories for my characters and writing them up has helped me get back in touch with my writing because…you get to know your character so well so I just like to write it out in full so that it’s almost like a short story in itself to go over stuff that doesn’t/hasn’t yet come out in sessions, because their stories are so vivid in my mind. I have some more stuff planned I want to make (drawings, more dice trays, story about my other character) and it’s exciting to feel this imaginative and creative again.
3) FanDom: Now as well as my own game I play with my friends, I have got INTENSELY into Critical Role this year. If you don’t know what this is, it’s “a bunch of nerdy-ass voice actors” (Matt Mercer, Liam O’Brien, Sam Riegal, Marisha Ray, Taliesin Jaffe, Laura Bailey, Travis Willingham, and Ashley Johnson, with the occasional nerdy guest) roll dice and play D&D for us to watch on Twitch or YouTube. You might think that watching people play a game that occurs for the most part in other people’s head wouldn’t be that interesting but you’d, in my opinion, be wrong. They’re a group of friends and they genuinely look like they’re having fun together, even during the painful parts of the story (they have genuinely cried during parts of the story, as have some of my friends in my game, just showing that D&D isn’t just dice and numbers, it’s characterisation and emotions). The DM creates incredibly vivid and varied worlds, which is part of what makes the show so alive as, without visuals like a normal show, Matt has to put in a lot of work to build it in our heads. This show has inspired fanfic, fan art, fan music/musicals, and clothing and accessories on places like Etsy. As I get somewhat socially anxious, having CR and D&D as a whole as interests means that with a proportion of people I have topics to talk about which makes me a little less stresses. Additionally, the cast of CR have inspired me to get more into D&D helping use my character to choose spells, not just choosing the ones that do the most damage. Being able to share in the CR fandom inspires me and makes me feel less alone in the world. Also nice to see other people with disaster characters 😀
4) Now my final reason is a bit bleak and maybe hard to explain, so settle in. I am disabled, mentally and physically so and despite the fact I’ve been living with these illnesses for between 1-8 years, I still haven’t come to terms with the restrictions, pain and general suckiness that is life as a spoonie. I know that I could be so much worse and I’m thankful for what I am currently still able to do, but there’s so much stuff I thought I’d have done or be doing by now and yet here we are. There’s not a day that I’m not in pain and it’s easy for that to wear a person down. Now all the reasons above make me feel better as a disabled person, but the act of playing D&D helps in and of itself. I think it’s because my imagination is still very active so it’s highlighting something that hasn’t been taken away by ill health. The characters I have made aren’t perfect, they have flaws, but they can do magic, they can fight monsters, if they want to, they can become heroes. It’s easy for me to think of all the stuff I can’t do in the real world, but my D&D characters can try and sometimes succeed in incredible adventures, that I could never do (even if I wasn’t disabled!).

I hope this all makes sense to those who play D&D or watch Critical Role. If you think you might want to play D&D, I’d really recommend watching some recorded games (Critical Role, High Rollers, Hells Belles are some names off the top of my head) or just going to find a group. It’s amazing how easy it is to talk to new people when you have a nerdy past time in common, especially when you don’t have to be you for much of the time.
The last thing I want to say is that if you have any mental ill health, there have been some evidence-based studies showing a decrease in some symptoms after regular playing of RPGs like D&D. I will try and find a link to this later if anyone is interested.

I won’t say that D&D has saved my life but I think it’s saved my mind…well, as much as it can be.

Where I’ve Been + Updates

So, as per usual, there’s been a huge gap in my postings. Several things have changed in the last 10 months that honestly, I’ve barely been able to process it myself, never mind analyse and share it.
If you’ve read this blog, you will know that I have a veritable smorgasbord of chronic illnesses vying for my attention right now. Well, this year, after seeing a rheumatologist, I’ve also added fibromyalgia and joint hyper mobility syndrome (although in the information he gave me, it also called the condition Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, hyper mobility type. I don’t want to put words in his mouth but it would explain one of the other weird stuff, like my weird skin, my ribs shifting into the wrong place etc.). I mean, if I started putting the acronym for these things after my name, I’d look super clever.
Sigh. Have to try and laugh right? But the other change that’s happened, I’m still really struggling with. I have been put on long term sick from work, as something was constantly kicking my ass and stopping me putting out quality work. Now, why am I struggling with this? Well, there are a number of reasons (though I am annoyed at myself for many of them, as there’s a lot of internalised ableism going on in my head). Forgive me, but I’m going to use this blog post to try and work this stuff out.

1. I judge myself on what I am able to do. For most of my life that meant judging myself wholly on my grades. I studied and worked and pushed as hard as I could, and that was for all tests, including mocks and small class assessments. Despite this, I have cried at every results day because I’ve never done “perfect”. I think this comes from being told at a young school age that if you work hard, then you’ll achieve your goals. I’m pretty sure everyone was told similar? Well, I wanted to be a doctor so I knew what that meant in terms of what kind of grades I was competing against. And when I got what I did…clearly I didn’t work hard enough. Right?
2. This next part is going to be difficult to write. Hell, I’ll probably delete this whole thing. Basically, I have long held, unshackling sense of self-loathing. Psychologists and psychiatrists have asked me when it started, why I believe these things about myself but the issue is I don’t remember any other way of thinking about myself. So to live with these beliefs, I have had to frequently try and distract myself and prevent myself from getting lost in those negative (and loud) thoughts. When you have work to do, this is relatively easy as there’s always stuff to be doing. However, being off sick means I’m alone a lot, and I struggle to get out and busy as 1) many things cost money which I have less of now 2) I struggle to get out at times because irritatingly I *am* sick so even things that I can do for free (nature, National Trust) it’s difficult-impossible to get there, enjoy the space, and get home safely.
3. To get back to work, they need to see that I am well enough to make it back full time, without the hours making me sick/relapse. However, it is actually becoming pretty difficult to find a voluntary position that a) isn’t physically demanding to make my pain and physical fatigue increase b) is more than just ~3 hours one day a week (which isn’t a decent representative of my work week). I tried various websites and local charities but after applying for a few different ones, I’m hoping I might have the answer (see below).

As it is, I don’t currently have an answer to most of this (not exhaustive) list. I’m having a lot of doubts regarding what I can and can’t do. All these conditions interlink with each other (physical to mental and vice versa) and I’m so scared that I won’t be able to handle full time work again. I don’t know, I hope  I can, but there’s so much stress and constant deadline after deadline. But I love working where I do, I don’t want to have to find something. I’ve spoken with some friends and I know some people are happy working somewhere they don’t care about and the money is enough as they can do do fun and exciting things outside of work hours. I don’t know if it’s because of my weird brain, or just my personality but that’s not enough for me.

However! I don’t like to end on a sad note if I can possibly help it so I’ll end this by sharing some recent good news (and the start of my road to going back to work). I’m going to be volunteering as an Historical Engager for the National Trust. I am pretty excited, I love history, and I’m looking forward to hearing more about the property itself (Anglesey Abbey, if you’re interested).

I’ve wanted to apologise to my friends, I’ve definitely not been as active in pursuing hang-out times. And it’s taken its toll and I miss y’all so much. See or speak to you soon I hope.

PS I’ve been think

 

Technically Speaking – What is Technical Communications?

Ah, punctuation humour 🙂

I’d like to start by saying that just because I’m a tech author does not mean that I will be adhering to strict rules here. I’ll probably make mistakes with my grammar and punctuation, and honestly, the amount of times I went against my company’s writing guide specifications in my last post alone is more than I’d care to admit. However, I don’t really care. This is a blog after all. No one is going to rely on this nearly as much as the content that we produce at work, so I can use all the contractions and different types of punctuation I want! WOOOO!!

There are several ways of answering this.

Of course, there’s the people that think we just spell check what comes from engineering and repackage it but that is an unfair/grossly under-representation of what we do (although don’t get me started on some sentence structures and punctuation (or lack thereof) that I’ve seen since being here).

[NB I would like to point out however, that I know some very eloquent engineers who can write very well. I’m by no means tarring them all]

A common way of looking at it is that we ‘just’ provide the manuals that go along with the engineering products. This makes it seem pretty trivial, but the better the supporting documentation, the more chance the customers will have of avoiding issues or, be able to solve problems if they arise. This should mean the some of the pressure on the Support group is removed.

The other problem with this is assuming that the only way of communicating is by documents alone, usually pdfs. That is probably still the most common method but by no means the only way. Communicating can mean providing face-to-face sessions for training on a particular topic, it can mean posting on forums and blogs so that the information can get to our end users faster. We do presentations that can be recorded and e-learning modules that can better explain concepts and tools and make the user more confident in their knowledge and understanding.

A good way of looking at it is the recent increase in crafting hobbies, like knitting, at the moment. You know what you want at the end and you need accurate and simple instructions to get there. Diagrams are often provided which makes it a lot easier to understand, especially for people that are new to knitting. Patterns also don’t just come on paper anymore. There are YouTube videos and tutorials for specific types of stitches to full projects depending on how much help is needed.

I know a lot of people find this topic a little…dry sounding. But honestly, having to explain the ‘how, the what and the why’ of the products means that not only do I have to learn about them, but I’ve had to essentially teach myself computer science/basic engineering understanding to understand the information on the products! And I love that. Yes, I admit I miss biology but I read popular science books, I get updates from journals I like and talk to my friends still in that area so I’m not completely missing out.

I also think that as much as I love my job now, in the future, who knows where I’ll end up. What I enjoy most is editing, so I would love to get back into publishing one day, be that academically with journal articles, science textbooks etc. or maybe not STEM publishing at all! That’s the brilliant thing about what I do. I feel like it gives me so many skills that I can work on over the years and apply to other specialisms if I want to move on. (At the very least, I can’t imagine me staying in Cambridge forever…I mean, I want to buy a house one day and unless I marry somebody very well off, I can’t see that happening here).

So that is a fairly quick look at what I do these days. If anyone reading is interested in technical communications, please get in touch, ask me questions J I’m happy to help and give advice if possible. I also highly rate my employer and I believe they are currently accepting applications for their graduate scheme (for engineers and technical communications etc.), so if anyone would like to know more about who I work for, send me a private message.

I have been writing! Technically…

So this is a new topic for this blog, as I am usually writing more about biology, post-university options and things that interest me generally (books, current affairs blah).

But I have been pretty busy with a different type of writing for the last 7 months now. And that is my current job: Technical Author (well…Graduate Technical Author)

SO. MANY. CHOICES (courtesy of xkcd.com/freedom)

Those of you who know me personally know who I work for but just I figure I should keep it to myself on here. Just in case. The big change for me is that it is within the Engineering Sector (I haven’t left STEM! Just changed letters).

Now, this has come with some brilliant advantages and exciting prospects but with change obviously comes challenges.

I am not an engineer. I am not a computer scientist. Before starting to work here, I could not code (I’m at a basic level of learning Python as part of my personal development, although I don’t need that type of knowledge for my role, it makes me feel more at home with my colleagues).

I have had a lot of people ask *WHY* if I’m a biologist (which I am and always will be, at heart) am I working where I am. I suppose there are three answers really:

• Between working as a Publishing Editor and a tech author, I was working about 30 hours a week at a popular supermarket chain. It was awful, soul destroying, painful (due to the illnesses I have) and paid ~£6.83/hour. Believe me when I say, I was applying for everything out there.
• I love learning. My old job was at a chemistry company and though that is considerably more relatable for a biologist (especially with a lot of biochem in my degree), it was still a change of discipline. And one that I dealt with well and thoroughly enjoyed (despite how it ended). So I didn’t see why the same wouldn’t be true here.

Now onto the main reason…

• I got an interview and the job. Now this seems like I’m not really answering the question but stick with me. I saw who the job was for and wasn’t going to apply. But I looked into it as a job role and thought it sounded like something interesting that would lead me to good places in the future (and also thought, hey, if nothing else, it’s application practice). And then I got the interview. Well, three of them. A writing test to do at home, then a phone interview, then a face-to-face interview with a formal writing test and then an HR interview over the phone. And I got the job. So as nerve-wracking as it was (and occasionally still is) to work somewhere like this, *they* think I can do it. There are people in my department that come from other strange backgrounds for this company (English Lit, Linguistics and Translation, another biologist) and people who are closer to the sector but still, not engineering (couple of physicists). Basically what I’m saying is, not everyone in my department is an engineer. So why wouldn’t I be able to do it? As long as I put in the time and effort, inside work and out, I will pick up the necessary skills and knowledge. Which means I get to do a lot of reading (and coding is fun!)

So this post is about the WHY I am here. But when I tell a lot of people my job title, I get a lot of confused looks and mumbles of “Oh…um…what’s that?”

Which brings me nicely to the end of this post and onto the next:

Technically Speaking – What is Technical Communication?

Hope someone out there cares enough to read these, I am enjoying writing again and am hoping to make this more regular (I’ve set writing reminders now and everything).

Has anyone else had a big change of career, or subject base? I’d love to hear from you and why you did the change too.